Handling Grief and Loss

Responding as collective citizens
The importance of acknowledging and dealing with grief and loss, and understanding that this process is valuable for good mental health, is a relatively recent concept in Western culture. Taboos and emotional denial have often surrounded loss and grief. Having a 'stiff upper lip', for example, was highly valued during World War II. Films of that era depict grief as something best kept under wraps - anything else was regarded as embarrassing or perhaps indulgent.

Professor Pat Jalland from the Australian National University has been doing some fascinating research funded by the Australian Research Council. She looks at the impact of social phenomena such as war, medical and technological advances, and religious beliefs on how we as a nation understand and respond to death.
See 'Australia's culture of death denial', media release from Professor Pat Jalland, Australian Research Council, 2003: http://www.arc.gov.au/news/media/media_16jan03.htm

In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross published On death and dying and pointed to our lack of knowledge about, and consequently our inability to care for, the dying and grieving. Her work in describing the five stages patients go through has changed the way students and others learn about death and grief. However, in recent years there has been critical discussion of these stages and an enhanced appreciation that they may not happen sequentially, and some stages may not occur at all.

These stages are as follows.

Denial and isolation - 'No, not me, it cannot be true.'
Anger - 'Why me?'
Bargaining - 'Yes me … but …'
Depression - 'Yes me.'
Acceptance - 'It's okay.'

Although the topic of grief and loss is more widely canvassed these days, people are often uncomfortable with expressing their emotions, responding to the grief of others, or talking about the ways in which grief is something that touches us all. The National Association for Loss and Grief (Victoria) argues that this is a particularly important issue for Australians.

Australia is a nation founded on grief. For the Indigenous peoples of Australia their grief has resulted from the loss of their cultural systems and the breakdown of tribal and family structures following the arrival of British colonialists. For the non-Indigenous, we are a nation of migrants. Beginning with the convicts forced to a foreign land, to the thousands from all parts of the world who left behind much in the hope of a better life for themselves and their families, to those who have come to Australia seeking refuge from war, torture or persecution. All have lost ties to family, homeland and identity. All have experienced loss and grief whether recognised or unrecognised. All have had to rebuild, redefine or reshape identity, roots, culture and hope.
These experiences of grief have shaped our national psyche and these experiences have presented challenges to us as individuals and as a nation. An individual's wellbeing and healing cannot be isolated from its cultural, social, political and environmental context. Healthy individuals create and live within healthy families that build and live in healthy communities that lead to a healthy society. Acknowledgment of loss and grief in our lives and the challenges it presents contributes to a healthy society.

(Source: National Association for Loss and Grief (Victoria) Reproduced with permission.) http://www.nalagvic.org.au/ab-griefuniversalexp.htm)

For educators, who by definition are engaged in the development of healthy social beings, this raises questions about whether (and how) we respond to these issues, for ourselves as individuals, and as part of a collegiate group.

Responding as educators
Educators may also face situations of needing to respond to loss and grief in circumstances where:

the whole school and its community experience particular loss and grief
loss and grief affect particular groups within the school (eg Indigenous communities, refugees and asylum seekers)
an individual student experiences personal grief and loss.

It is important in these situations that feelings are recognised and processed in ways that allow new growth. Issue 2 of WELLspring (August 2004) focused on loss and grief and its implications for school practice. It covers:

myths about children's responses
how to develop an action plan
how to talk about loss and grief with children
transitions
resources
staff training and development.

(Source: WELLspring, Issue 2, August 2004, Principals Australia: http://www.apapdc.edu.au)

Responding as colleagues
Educators are required to be responsive to the needs of their students and related communities. As all colleagues know, this is extremely demanding on any individual's personal resources. Therefore, when an educator is experiencing loss and grief, it is extremely important that recognition and support from colleagues (especially leaders and managers) are appropriate.

Grief and loss can be experienced in a wide range of circumstances. For example:

the loss of a partner or family member
the ending of a relationship
a serious medical diagnosis for an individual or one of their loved ones
a miscarriage
job and/or serious financial loss
the loss of a loved pet.

There is, of course, no formula or 'correct' response in such situations - but some things may be helpful.

Acknowledging the person's loss.
Being available to listen and being aware that the person may need to cover the same issues and details several times.
Providing practical support (such as classroom relief).
Finding out what would be helpful, rather than assuming that certain strategies are helpful.
Not expecting that the person will disclose details or feelings (being careful about being intrusive).
Keeping in touch with the colleague - even in short written form.
Continuing to invite and involve the person in usual activities - with no pressure or expectation.
Avoiding inappropriate clichéd responses, such as: 'She had a good innings', 'At least it was quick', 'Better off without him', 'You'll soon get over it' and 'Plenty more fish in the sea'.
Being aware that the person is likely to experience grief over time and that it is likely to manifest itself in different ways. This means being supportive over time and not only at the point of crisis.
Being aware that the individuals have not become different people or species because they are experiencing grief. It can add to their stress and alienation if people treat them entirely differently, or are nervous about relating at all.

Depending on the individuals and their circumstances, it may be useful for them to access more formal support. It can be helpful for schools to develop a resource collection of the different services and support options available in the community.

Arguably the most supportive and healing factor for any staff member who is experiencing grief is to be part of a workplace culture that honours the lives of each individual, values their contribution and respects their differences. Such environments rarely occur by accident. They emerge from the thoughtfulness, vision, planning and policies of key people who establish values and an ethos throughout the school. Colleagues who contribute in these ways (formally or informally) know that there are complexities and a high level of skill involved in bringing such ideals into practice. Many of these are explored throughout this website. However, educators are usually highly responsive and creative about developing ways to establish good outcomes. We believe that spending time in staff groups to achieve the best possible work environment is one of the most positive investments that schools can make.

Other resource
'Bereavement and grief', Radio National Health Report, broadcast Monday 14 January 2002 (Norman Swan interview with prominent grief counsellor): http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/8.30/helthrpt/stories/s441997.htm