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Blame and Forgiveness

Schools, like any other workplace, can be sites where disputes between colleagues can spill over into blame and resentment. This is not to say that blame is never legitimate. Nor is it to suggest that forgiveness is always genuine. Sometimes forgiveness can be facile. It can be glib and patronising, concealing a 'holier than thou' kind of attitude. But blaming behaviour rarely analyses problems and almost never recommends solutions. Peace education textbooks therefore often suggest 'mutual causality' as a more productive way of thinking about responsibility for conflicts.

Genuine forgiveness necessarily requires acceptance and trust. There must be acknowledgment and acceptance of past mistakes at the same time as trust in the future of the relationship. This may not be easy. Moving from blame to forgiveness requires not only a willingness to do so, but also well-developed interpersonal skills. Developing such skills is well worth the time and thought it takes and there are mental health benefits for all involved. It can assist the mental health of the 'wronged' person (if such a distinction is in fact clear) by defusing resentment and anger and the long-term negative mindsets these emotions can promote. It also allows an opportunity for the 'offending' person to possibly consider his or her own behaviour and also the generosity of the act of forgiveness. They may need a little gentle assistance to do so, however! People with the skills to be both assertive (as distinct from blaming) and forgiving (as distinct from self-effacing) are important in creating a generally healthy climate in the workplace.

Can you be trained in forgiveness?
In late 1999, Carl Thoreson and Frederic Luskin from Stanford University, USA, established the Stanford Forgiveness Project with a focus on researching forgiveness and exploring the effectiveness of practical forgiveness training. They defined forgiveness in the following way.

Our definition of forgiveness holds that forgiveness consists primarily of taking less personal offense, reducing anger and the blaming of the offender, and developing increased understanding of situations that often lead to feeling hurt and angry.
(Source: http://www.stanford.edu/~alexsox/forgiveness_article.htm)

Their study trained participants in new ways to both think and feel about interpersonal hurts. Forgiveness was seen as a transforming experience that fosters more positive emotions and less negative thoughts about others, as well as oneself. Their premise was that forgiveness can 'lead to decreased anger, depression, anxiety and stress as well as enhanced wellbeing, including peace of mind'.

Giving up grudges improves emotional and physical wellbeing. Conversely, holding onto resentment or hurt disrupts personal and professional lives, leads to bad decision-making and releases stress-related hormones that can impact health.
(Source: http://www.utah.edu/unews/releases/02/may/stanford.html)

In his book, Forgive for good (Harper Collins, 2002), Luskin identified Nine Steps to Forgiveness.

Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not okay. Then tell a couple of trusted people about your experience.
Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.
Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciling with the person that upset you, or condoning their action. What you are after is peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the 'peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story'.
Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognise that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes or ten years ago.
At the moment you feel upset, practise a simple stress management technique to soothe your body's flight or fight response.
Stop expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognise the 'unenforceable rules' you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship and prosperity and work hard to get them.
Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt, seek out new ways to get what you want.
Remember that a life well-lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.
Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.
(Source: http://www.learningtoforgive.com/steps.htm)

Other steps to forgiveness and tips for breaking harmful cycles of behaviour can be found on the website of the Worldwide Forgiveness Alliance, a non-denominational, non-profit educational foundation dedicated to evoking the healing power of forgiveness worldwide (http://www.forgivenessday.org/steps_to_forgiveness.htm). They promote forgiveness as a way of creating a safer, more joyful and more peaceful world.

As an example, their step 9 is:

Decide to forgive. Even if this decision is half-hearted at first, it will probably lessen your hurt and anger immediately. Notice that this decision can be difficult because after you have processed the anger, resentment and grief, you will have to give up the grudge - the being the 'victim', the 'being right' and making the other person 'wrong'. Notice that this is a 'superior' position which can be used to get a lot of self-righteous attention. Be willing, for your sake, to have the courage to get off that 'superior' position.
(Source: http://www.forgivenessday.org/steps_to_forgiveness.htm)

The difference between blaming and assertiveness
There is an important difference between blaming and appropriate assertiveness. It may be the case that you are genuinely aggrieved by a colleague's attitude or behaviour or you feel you must take a principled stand on a matter of great ethical importance. It is sometimes very important to 'draw a line in the sand' and state what you find offensive or unacceptable. In a school context, this could be a matter of sexism, racism, the treatment of students, interactions with parents or a host of other issues. You may want to defend a colleague whom you regard as being bullied (see Workplace Bullying).

Assertiveness in such situations is not only acceptable, it is entirely appropriate. But it is important to choose your words carefully and to think carefully before you leap into the fray.

The Australian Conflict Resolution Network website provides some very helpful suggestions for developing your conflict resolution skills. They identify 12 interconnected skills, the fourth of which is 'appropriate assertiveness'. An extract is reproduced below.

Appropriate assertiveness

When to use 'I' statements
The essence of appropriate assertiveness is being able to state your case without arousing the defences of the other person. The secret of success lies in saying how it is for you rather than what they should or shouldn't do. 'The way I see it …', attached to your assertive statement, helps. A skilled 'I' statement goes even further.

When you want to state your point of view helpfully, the 'I' statement formula can be useful. An 'I' statement says how it is on my side, how I see it.

You could waste inordinate quantities of brain power debating how the other person will or won't respond. Don't! You do need to be sure that you haven't used inflaming language, which would be highly likely to cause a negative response. That is, your statement should be clean. Because you don't know beforehand whether the other person will do what you want or not, the cleanest 'I' statements are delivered not to force them to fix things, but to state what you need.

Use an 'I' statement when you need to let the other person know you are feeling strongly about the issue. Others often underestimate how hurt or angry or put out you are, so it's useful to say exactly what's going on for you - making the situation appear neither better nor worse. (That is, your 'I' statement should be clear.)

What your 'I' statement isn't
Your 'I' statement is not about being polite. It's not to do with 'soft' or 'nice'; nor should it be rude. It's about being clear.

It's a conversation opener, not the resolution. It's the opener to improving rather than deteriorating relationships.

If you expect it to be the answer and to fix what's not working straightaway, you may have an unrealistic expectation.

If you expect the other person to respond as you want them to immediately, you may have an unrealistic expectation.

What you can realistically expect is that an appropriate 'I' statement made with good intent:

is highly unlikely to do any harm
is a step in the right direction
is sure to change the current situation in some way
can/will open up to possibilities you may not yet see.

This material has been sourced from:

The Conflict Resolution Network
PO Box 1016 Chatswood
2057 NSW Aust
Ph +61 2 9419-8500

Email: crn@crnhq.org
website: www.crnhq.org
Fax +61 2 9413-1148

© This CRN material can be freely reproduced provided this copyright notice appears on each page.

You will find many other suggestions on the Conflict Resolution Network website that are relevant to the topic of blame and forgiveness and other related information on this website: http://www.wagingpeace.org/menu/programs/youth-outreach/peace-ed-book/teaching-peace.pdf

Gandhi's peacemaking steps

An eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind. (Mahatma Gandhi)

The website, www.crnhq.org, is also very useful for outlining a peace education course devised by Leah Wells. Her activities are equally relevant to the community and the staff room as they are to the classroom. One activity is based on Colman McCarthy's work on Gandhi's peacemaking steps.

Two of these nine steps are particularly relevant here.

Don't ask what happened. Ask instead 'What did you do?' Asking what happened elicits emotions and promotes blame. Asking 'What did you do?' encourages the person to use 'I' messages and focus on the facts of the situation.
Work on your forgiveness skills. Colman says that, of the nine steps, this one is probably the hardest. Forgiving someone is so difficult because a wrong done is like toothpaste out of the tube - you can't put it back in. Dr King's wisdom on forgiveness is important as well: for him, true forgiveness means that the evil act no longer stands as a barrier to the relationship. We must separate the evil from the evildoer.